How to Trim a Cat's Claws
Trimming a cat's claws is both an act of courage and a labor of love. Courage comes into play because most cats are not going to cooperate in this minor surgical procedure. You will likely become the target of all their pent up frustrations. Love of your intact drapes and fabric on the new couch is the driving force that causes you to even consider this ominous task. Here are some guidelines that may help you to either come to your senses and abandon all thought of this action, or assist you in living through it.
1. Place the cat in secure place as you gather the necessary equipment. Cats seem to have ESP and disappear like Houdini when you are only thinking about trimming their claws. Do not, under any circumstance, utter the words "trim," "clippers," or even "claws" within your cat's hearing.
2. Put on old garments you won't mind having shredded.
3. Select a site, preferably on a surface where human blood will not stain.
4. Locate the following and take it to the location you have predetermined:
• Large towel for wrapping the cat. Make sure it is a towel with which you can part.
• Nail clippers;
• Antiseptic and bandages (for you not the cat);
• Lint (cat hair) removing brush;
• A strong, sedating drink, to be taken internally following surgery (by you, not the cat).
5. Re-assess why you want to do this, and make sure that it is really that important to keep the furnishings of your home intact.
6. Take a moment to think about why you own a cat and be absolutely sure that you aren't a dog person after all.
7. Don't even try to call a friend to come help. You will get no answer. They have ESP too. You are on your own. If you are going to abandon your plan, now is the time.
8. Get the cat. Try saying calmly, "Nice, kitty, kitty." It will do no good, but it may make you feel better as you put a strangle hold on the struggling cat.
9. Quickly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, quickly take the cat to the appointed location and wrap him or her in the towel. Hold the wrapped cat like your life depends on it. It probably does.
10. If you are right handed, pick up the clippers with your right hand; press the bundled cat against your body for stability, your left elbow over the squirming package; and with your left hand, using a death grip pull out the first front paw. If you actually accomplish this on the first try, you may have the makings of a pro cat handler.
11. Clip the claws being sure not to get into the quick or else the cat will bleed. "Well, why shouldn't the cat bleed too?" you may be thinking after the feline gets in a swipe or two. Most cats have five claws on each foot. If you are particularly cursed, your cat will have six.
12. Poke the finished paw back under the towel and pull out the second front foot. This procedure can be tricky, and you may find that you have to re-secure the towel. Not having been sedated prior to this procedure, you will find the cat remains active. Having acquired access to the second paw by whatever means necessary, clip the claws on that foot.
13. If you get this far into the procedure and you have not dumped the cat out of the towel and said, "Go! Rip the furniture to shreds! See if I care!", you are doing well.
14. Some demented souls continue on to clip the hind claws. Don't be this stupid! Let the cat go and have that stiff drink. Forget the lint brush. Trash the towel and clothing.
15. Once sedated, wipe up your blood, bandage your wounds and think again about whether or not you are really a dog person after all.
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